The Slice feels a duty to help guide today's youth.
Hey, somebody's got to do it.
So with that solemn mission in mind, let's go right to The Slice's Top 20 Prom Tips:
1. Try not to be yourself.
2. Don't expect too much.
3. Remember, you're just a stupid kid. Drinking is not going to improve your personality.
4. You know how, in certain movies, proms turn into nightmarish bloodbaths? Well, if you suspect that is about to happen at your school's little dance party, leave early.
5. Make sure the music is from another era, preferably the 1940s or early '80s.
6. Resist the urge to say to your teachers, "I've tried, but I just can't picture you ever having been young."
7. Consider the possibility that your parents are not going to want to take out a loan so you can have a killer gown.
8. Ignore those crackpots who are saying, "You'll remember this night for the rest of your life."
9. Don't be disappointed if your prom lacks big dramatic moments or time travel.
10. If you've never been civil to the unpopular kids, don't try for some phony reconciliation at the prom.
11. Don't achieve lasting fame by throwing up in the punch bowl.
12. Remember everything for your upcoming I-want-to-be-a- filmmaker phase.
13. Don't waste energy loathing the popular kids. Real life will take care of them soon enough.
14. If someone who is way out of your league is nice enough to dance with you, don't make too much of it and try to hang out with that person all night.
15. Remember that most people are too busy thinking about how they look to even notice that blemish.
16. Ask some of the adults present what they recall about their own groovy proms. (And don't tell them you've never heard of Barry White.)
17. Don't get in a car with a driver who is drunk or stoned.
18. Be sure to make fun of this year's prom theme, "Marching Toward Whatever."
19. Don't take advice from a 46-year-old man who never even went to a prom because his high school class dismissed such events as kowtowing to the imperialist corporate mindset that oppresses and exploits the masses.
20. Have fun and be sure to call if you're going to be late.